Words that Haunt
by Ada C. Eliana
Summary: Chris reflects on his world and the statements and words from that timeline that continue to haunt him as he goes to the past. Oneshot.


**A/N: This is just a little oneshot about Chris reflecting on his world, and on the memories of words that continue to haunt him. Could be seen as a companion piece to my "Bound By Blood" fic.

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Words that Haunt**

By: Ada C. Eliana

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There were words that would haunt Chris until the day he died. Moments burned forever in his memory, transcending time and age. There were images and scents and sounds that he knew he could never forget no matter how much he wanted to.

They all revolved around one person, were about him, caused by him, ruined by him. Somehow Wyatt had become the center of his universe, the midpoint for every good and bad thought that entered and passed through his mind. From the memory of his mother's touch, to the shadows in his cousin's eyes when he left her at the mausoleum, Wyatt was there. But more than the images and the smells, it was the words that ran through his head over and over, the phrases that refused to leave him alone, to give him one moment of silence; the memories that haunted him during dark nights when he felt he had nothing left to hang onto.

"Your brother is the most powerful witch in the world." It had been said so off-hand, so casually, so long ago, as if his mother never realized the magnitude of what she said, the possibilities a statement like that foreshadowed for the future. It was in fact, Wyatt's power that defined Chris' world from the moment he was born. It was a constant shadow that hung over his head, a blight on his future, and a destructive force that was hell-bent on changing him, on turning him into someone he wasn't.

"You're my brother, you're special to me." The words Wyatt had whispered to him in the night; that once made Chris feel so safe, so protected. But before long he realized that Wyatt's quiet assurance, his quiet promise, held more pain for Chris than protection. It was the reason he had endured countless pressures and tortures that left him begging for death but never receiving it; the reason he had been systematically hunted down in his adolescence, never given the chance to hide and wait out the storm, it had left him always on the run, always looking over his shoulder. He was special to Wyatt, but not in the sense that he felt only love and compassion for his younger brother, but that he held his brother as some sort of token, a symbol of his power, a prize he needed to win to prove his strength.

"The Book is now yours, and the grand legacy it carries is yours as well. Keep it safe, and use the knowledge you find within it to protect yourself and those you love." The note his mother left him in her will, the one that bequeathed the legendary Halliwell Book of Shadows to him and him alone. She had given it to him because she knew Wyatt couldn't be trusted, but she never realized that Chris himself hadn't figured that out yet. And so he chose to share his gift, to allow his brother unlimited access to the Book, and Wyatt had paid him back by stealing the Book from him and locking it away where no one besides his supporters could access it. The book he was supposed to use to protect people with; the knowledge of his family that wanted only good to be done in the world, was lost to a man who used magic as a commodity, as a means to whatever end he saw fit. And Chris had surrendered his most powerful tool to Wyatt before understanding what his brother would do with it.

"It's over and I don't feel better at all!" He could still picture Lena as she said it, curled up in the dank corner of the Underworld, sobbing and shaking her head. It became a constant mantra every time he took one more step towards destroying the empire Wyatt had built; every time he tried to do something to kill the pain that had taken root inside of him. The truth was, Lena had been wrong the first time she said that, it wasn't over, nothing was ever over. The life they led kept surging on and on with no respite in sight, no end, it would never be over, not as long as Wyatt ruled over the world as a despot and those with the power to stop him did nothing. Chris had begun to wonder if he could ever feel better, even when he had accomplished his goal, would anything feel different, would he ever be rid of the fear and the agony that had become such a part of him that he barely noticed it anymore.

"Why weren't the Charmed Ones important enough for them to save? Tell me, Chris, because I need to know why they had to die!" Lena always had a penchant for saying exactly what everyone was thinking but too afraid to put words to. Because questions like those shook the foundation of everything that the Halliwells stood for, everything their life meant, and everything they worked for. If they couldn't trust the Elders, the very beings responsible for them having these powers in the first place, then who could they trust? What could they trust? There would be nowhere to place their faith, and it would lead to the dangerous path Wyatt laid out before them. For Wyatt good and evil did not matter, did not exist, everything was gray, everything was power. The Elders and the Source and heaven and hell did not matter, the only important thing was power, and whoever held the most had the right to rule over all the others. So the question Lena asked was dangerous, it was poison to them, it could destroy everything, it could lead to madness and anarchy. And Chris wished she had never spoken those words, that she had never said a phrase that he could never forget, that he would keep going back to over and over as Wyatt put the pressure on and he began to think that maybe the easy way out was the best way.

"I know I can get our little cousin over there on my side. And then Chris, you'll truly know what it feels like to be alone. To be by yourself in a world out of control, at the mercy of those you used to trust. And let me tell you, Christopher, when that happens, then you'll finally see that there is no 'greater good' and there is nothing more that you can hope for in this life than plain old survival." Wyatt's words had always run through his mind, and he still couldn't decipher what his brother had been trying to tell him at the time, what he had been referring to. For as long as Chris could remember Wyatt had never been alone, and certainly not in a 'world out of control.' He thought about it, playing with the words in his head, searching for meaning, for understanding. And it led him to his final plan, his one last hope to save the world he loved so much. It gave birth to the idea that something had changed Wyatt, something beyond his control, and that was why he was different, that was why he had such warped views, such strange beliefs. And Chris decided he had to go into the past, he had to change whatever was going to happen to his brother, because he could think of no other way to save him.

"I'm going to change this, I swear." Chris wasn't even sure who he had made that promise to first, or how many times he had said the exact same words, hoping if he repeated it enough he would believe it himself. It was an idle promise, and he knew that. He had no way of backing it up, no evidence to suggest that going to the past could change anything at all. But he had to try, because he couldn't let go of the image of who he thought of as 'his Wyatt,' the little boy struggling between the conflicting thoughts inside of him; the little boy who lost to the apathy and darkness that had overtaken his soul and became someone Chris didn't recognize. He would do anything for that boy; and that included risking everything to save him from ever having begun to change.

"You're the only one who can do this, the only one who can save us." Bianca's faith had gotten him through many difficult times; her trust in him, her belief that he really could make everything alright. He did not know what he would have done without her, if he would have given in had she not constantly been there, believing in him, reminding him of who he really was and why he could never be who Wyatt wanted him to be. He proposed to her before he was to leave. It was a silly thing, even he recognized that. There was no guarantee he would ever meet her once the future changed, no guarantee that they would fall in love or even consider marriage in the new world where Wyatt didn't inadvertently throw them together. They were different, and he knew that. And he couldn't see how he would ever meet her in the new world, but he couldn't possibly imagine that world without her in it. So he proposed to her, one more promise he had no way of keeping, one more reminder of all he stood to lose if this plan worked. But she believed in him, believed that somehow their love was strong enough, and they would find each other once everything had changed. And he held onto that belief because it was all that he had.

"I hope you do Chris, because I don't want this anymore. It was never supposed to be like this." Lena had been right of course, her need for him to succeed helped quell his own nervousness as he entered the old Manor, Bianca on his arm, heading off for a mission that seemed doomed from its very incarnation. But she, the strongest psychic that existed told him it wasn't supposed to be like it was, and he had to believe that she was right, that it was true, because otherwise he would be wasting his time, would be abandoning everyone he loved for a fool's errand that could never succeed. Lena was right, he had to change it, he had to fix it, if only for those who sacrificed themselves for the greater good, people like his cousin who had done everything in their power to protect him.

It was a heavy burden to bear, their expectations and hopes, their prayers and their dreams, and Chris carried them with him as he stepped up to the podium. He thought on them as he called the Book, knowing full well that Lena would end up being sacrificed just for the simple action of releasing Wyatt's seal on the tome, of allowing him access. And as he recited the lines, he tried to think of his mother, his aunts, of a time when everything seemed simpler, when problems were manageable and his brother was still his brother. Before fate or something stronger than that pulled them all in different directions and destroyed their lives.

And as the portal opened and Bianca fought for his sake just behind him, he felt a momentary rush of fear; fear of the unknown, and fear that all the sacrifices that had brought him to this point had all been in vain, that they had all been deceived by his wish to change things, a wish that perhaps had never been an actual plan, had never held any weight, had never been possible. But then Bianca yelled "Go!" and Chris marched into the unknown, into the portal. All of his life he had been heading somewhere, and now just one more step would take him into a world he had barely known, one where he could solve the problems of the future, and save the people who placed so much trust in him.

But in the nights of 2004 when he felt that all his efforts had been for nothing, that he would never change anything, their voices haunted him. They pushed him forward, gave him the reason to go on, the need to make it so they never said those frightening words, so that none of it existed. But somehow he felt that even if he changed everything, even if the future was all he ever dreamed of, he would never be able to block them out, the words of a time when everything revolved around Wyatt, and he would risk everything on a dream; the haunting echoes of a life that never should have been.

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**A/N: I would love to know what you thought.**

**Thanks for reading,**

**_Ada_**


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